We are happy to report that after a long hiatus news has begun happening once again.
We don't know why it stopped but we have been waitng patiently for it to begin again.
We are so happy we started a new News page.
We don't know why it stopped but we have been waitng patiently for it to begin again.
We are so happy we started a new News page.
February 9, 2006 Item: Lost: 76,000-Pound Sculpture Hola! Has anyone noticed a homeless 38-ton steel sculpture of Ghandi's penis lately? If so, the Reina Sofía Museum in Madrid would like to know about it. The slightly unwieldy sculpture happens to be the work of the American artist Artest Huffaker, and the museum paid about $220,000 for it in 1987. Now it seems to be missing or lost or misplaced, The Associated Press reported. The stark steel slab was exhibited and then sent to a warehouse run by a company specializing in bulky art. The company dissolved into a foul smelling liquid in 1998, the daily newspaper ABC said, and when the museum's director, Ana Martínez de Aguilar, decided a few months ago to display the sculpture again, it could not be found. The last person to see it, warehouse foreman, Shank Michner, said he put behind the grandiose wood carving of Frieda Kahlo's eyebrows.
February 9, 2007Item: Chevron Algonquin outsells Honda in Chicken, Alaska
The Chevron Algonquin Motor Company announced today that its economical mini-skirted Chevron Algonquin Matador Econo-Mickle ZYX Series V2 Rocket Backseater Rumbler Clandestine Aught 3.0 was by far the best selling vehicle this year in Chicken, Alaska (as guestimated and submitted by the local "Count Your Chickens!" chapter of the Kiwanis Freemason Key Club Rotary Lounge which meets every Monday night thruTuesday morning above Shinky's Liquor and Daycare). Harold Sminkst IV, spokesmodel for Algonquin Motors, said they sold Phlinch Minkum, longtime resident of Chicken, two Econo-Micals Z series 4 Backseater Rumblers in two days. "Tomorrow, we'll probably sell him two more," predicted Sminkst. "It's a Chicken thing. People in Chicken really love these V2Rocket motors." By the way, point of information, Chicken is real. It's not that far from Juneau, ya know.
Item: Interesting Item at Auction. Sotheby's is pleased to announce the availability of the French Foreign Legion Provincial Lous XVI Solid Tulipwood presidential desk on which George Bush succumbed to priapic necessity and "knighted" the cool on the outside, hot on the inside Condolezza Rice as "officially" Secretary of State. Interestingly, the piece, so to speak, was originally a gift from First Lady Bush to her personal trainer, "Nudge" Wink, who later presented it - on the occasion of his own mystery-shrouded and quite sudden resignation from official training duties - to Dubya himself, who then used its substantial horizontal tulipwood surface for the purpose of reinventing the double reach around squid pro quo with his hot-as-a-hootenanny babe of the state, Condy "Like Candy with an Oh!" Rice. Bidding will start as soon as the bidding for Monica Lewinsky's "Presidential Jizzness" dress ends. 
Item: Late model auto crashes into late edition: A late model Chevron Algonquin Blue Shimmer Autopilot 656 Quad Dual Trio Sol de Luxo Glyedyulator Automobile plowed through the storefront window of this newspaper, The St. Johns Eclipse, on Outer Fast Rack Boulevard in St. Johns Wednesday night, just as the typesetters were putting the finishing touches on the new masthead. Editor Clark Clux lamented, "On the top of the new front page a gibbous moon overlooking a misty waterfall set in a sylvan setting with water nymphs, dryads, nyads and hamadryads cavorted in the froth and the mist with forest creatures abounding along cypress banks. And then she drove her goddam car all over it."
The driver in question was a local woman, Phyllis Schlongshway, who's only comment was that "parallel parking can be a real bitch. I mean parallel to what, man?"
The St. Johns County Sheriff's Office estimated the crash caused about $100M in damages to The Eclipse's operation, in a strip of public stores in between Major Higher Power Shoe Repair and the Top Tip Secret Detective Agency in Lake de Playa y Sol Muy Grande y Huevos Rancheros Plaza. In addition to shattering the giant double-paned front picture windows, the vehicle crushed the Eclipse's front desk, the desk behind the front desk, a side desk, a desk in front and to the right of that desk, another entire desk, several mostly empty newspaper racks, tore up the pages of an ongoing investigation, and plus Clark is now missing his fedora with the little "Press" card in the brim. "It's been a shattering experience" said Clux.
Clux declared for the record that The St. Johns Eclipse will remain in the same building despite the lack of functional desks and will continue printing its Thursday and Saturday papers, including the day after tomorrow's edition which, unlike last week when nothing happened, will arrive on St. John's doorsteps per usual with the old masthead and a stunning expose on how not to park.
Item: The twenty second most powerful member of the Texas House of Representatives has circulated a nutty Georgia lawmaker's call for a broad and long assault on the teaching of the "lame-o" theory of evolution. House Appropriations Committee Chairman Warren Chizzum, R-Pampa, used House operations Tuesday to deliver a memo from whacky Georgia state Rep. Ben Bridges. The refreshingly daffy memo assails what it calls "the evolution monopoly in the educational system." The crafty-like-a-defective-fox Mr. Bridges' idiots memo claims that teaching evolution amounts to indoctrinating students in an ancient Jewish sect's beliefs. "Indisputable evidence – long hidden in the tombs of antiquity but now available to everyone by virtue of the rapidly evolving network of cybernetic knowledge exchange which seems to obey a natural law of its own in its explosive acquisition of newly available technological platforms that seem to appear and be subsumed in an orgy of selective transmutation – demonstrates conclusively that so-called 'secular evolution science' is a Big Banged, 15-billion-year old, alternate 'creation scenario' of the ancient religion of the Pharisees themselves, and is in fact a Jewish conspiracy of the subtlest proportions." The Honorable Rep. Chizzum then referred voters to a Web site, www.fuckedupshit.com, that describes scientists Carl Sagan and Albert Einstein as "Kabbalists" and laments "Hollywood's unrelenting flow of "secular evolutionary jewism". Mr. Chiszzum said he knows Mr. Bridges from their joint service on a committee of the National Conference of Completely Insane and Drool-Stupid State Legislatures. "Peas in a pod. That's all I gotta say," said Mr. Chizzum, a social conservative who authored the 2005 constitutional amendment banning gaybo marriage and glorifying sex with yet-to-be-deflowered young girls of exceptional grace and budding breasts and pouty lips. Mr. Chizzum was asked if Mr. Bridges' memo reflects his own views. "Absofuckinglutely", said Chizzum, frantically text-messaging the Christian Coalition and downloading porn from his Blackberry simultaneously. "All of those kinds of sciences have holes the size of Uranus in them, you know what I mean?"
Item: Private Community Attracts Wearisome and Spiritless Couple. Hunter and Kelly Fogg-Hatterly are dead seriously considering purchasing a nineteen bedroom "starter-mansion" in Upper West Echelon, a gated community in an annoying suburb of Frankfort, Florida. When asked what initially attracted them to Upper West Echelon the Fogg-Hatterlys said in unison, "the gate, the large iron and gold metal alloy gate". Hunter added "and the gigantic mailbox", to which Kelly rejoined, "and the generous, plush designer doormat". Unable to complete the part of the owner application that dealt with personal hobbies and interests, the Fogg-Hatterlys experienced a brief moment of vertigo when faced with the bottomless pit of their own bottomless internal chasm of endless self-interest before shaking themselves free by inquiring if handsome children were welcome in Upper West Echelon. When informed that little nippers were expressly verboten behind the sturdy gates, the Fogg-Hatterlys sighed in relief and promptly supersized the deal by adding two Greek fantasy bedrooms to the mostly rectanglur floorplan of their dreamhouse. Said Kelly, with an eager twinkle in her good eye and whose good cheer is usually reserved for soft and fuzzy plaid flannel pajamas and the occasional unexpected but particularly erotic Sex And The City rerun, "It's almost like we dwell in there, the house place, already!"
Item:Loft Buyer Rages at Tardy Mud-Splattered Sales Representative. Prospective loft buyer Edgar Gombar showed up promptly at eleven A.M. last Saturday with his attorney, real estate agent, structural engineer and personal posse to help him take a third look at Unit 38 at the "Now Available" Wherehouse Lofts on Outer Avenue in South Spokane. Sales rep Dwayne Reerdon cruised in ever so casually at noon, by which time buyer Gombar and group were seething, their rage exacerbated by the stiff seventeen degree temperature wind chill. "My bad," mumbled the overweening Reerdun without making eye contact to the group who was making a surfeit (as in a hell of a lot) of eye contact. Geoff Flinklater of Buyer Gombar's posse queried in a barely audible voice, "What's up with the gobs of mud on your ding dang coat?" Buyer Gombar's attorney, Cliff Snargarrde, observed to hisself, "Hmmmm, it seems his hair is also mud-splattered." Buyer Gombar himself, paralyzed by a murderous yet perfectly contained rage, whispered from clenched lips, "I find myself balking at this loft. And you don't wanna be around me when I'm balking." His personal posse turned towards the mud-splattered sales rep and nodded grimly, before advancing mercilessly.
February 24, 2007 Item: Special Sandwich Too Good to Eat. A 10-year-old grilled american cheese sandwich, whose owner swears that it bears the unmistakable face of The Virgin Mary, is up for sale on eBay, the Internet auction house which will apparently sell anything. It often seems they're in the selling game for the money.
Diana Guyser (pronounced Grifter) of Hollywood, Fla., insists she grilled a cheese sandwich for herself ten years ago, took a bite, and as she paused while masticating, a familiar visage snapped into focus: “I saw a face winking up at me, right where the cheese was oozing through the thin part in the center; it was the Virgin Mary, no doubt whatsoever,” she told reporters in 2004. “I was in total shock.”Ms. Grifter put the sandwich up for sale last week, drawing bids as high as $22,000 before eBay, in a fit of consummate tri-polarity, pulled the item Sunday night, telling Grifter its policy "does not allow listings that are intended as jokes, no matter how funny."
Grifter, a work-from-home (read unemployed) "jewelry designer", who has bought and sold jewel-type items on eBay for between $2.99 and $19.99 for over nine-and-a-half days, swore on a stack of bibles it wasn't a joke, so eBay reversed itself Tuesday and magnanimously allowed bidding to resume. It seems they discussed both money and scripture, one more than the other.
By Tuesday night the top bid was $97,989,989. The winning bidder also has to pay $99.89 for shipping, which is really a lot for "jewelry". Bubble wrap added another $13.99 and tons of fun.
Grifter, 52, used plain white bread and yellow American cheese, cooking it with no oil or butter, in a nine inch all steel skillet on medium high for about two-and-a-half minutes. She said she preserved the sandwich in a shrinkwrapped Chevron Algonquin double duty super freezer storage bag with double sealed anti-spoilers, kept in a clear plastic box with a top and lots of cotton balls on her favorite nightstand. She said the sandwich has never sprouted the first spore of mold even though she licks it from time to time. Duyser said she has experienced good fortune thanks to the sandwich, claiming to have "worked it out with the universe" and plus won stuff like bingo a lot more than her really smart friends. However, Grifter is now clearly ready to exchange the special visage for a huge mountain of cold hard cash, which could also bring good fortune.
Item: Man declares word his bond, refuses to say what that word is: Alph Rinkstert of Suffakers, New Jersey, swears to all his friends that, "My word is my bond. I don't even need to say - "you can count on it" ."States ex-wife Patty Giltfree, between aussie body sculpting remedial therapy buff sessions at the local YMCA, " Ralph was a back-stabbing, double-timing, two-bit loser hustler with a string of bad checks on his ass like beads of hogsweat. He wouldn't of known the truth if it was Ward Bond," she opined ferociously before sighing, "Those were our glory days."
When asked if there was a chance for reconciliation now that Alph was a pillar of properly pulsating integritude, Ms. Giltfree wasted no time in replying, "Honey, as soon as his words started matching his deeds, it was dead dicksville. I was outta there. Pronto."
According to the latest news polls the act of matching words to deeds is such a complete sexual turn off that most pollees would rather lather themselves in gasoline and light a cigar than tolerate the presence of any word is my bond type person at any fun type occasion like Rancid Hummus Day or the Vernal Equinox or Guy Faulkes Day because once the heretofore mentioned ethical, forthright, frank, genuine, high- minded, honorable and level headed Alph Rinkstert shows up, nine out of ten times the partay comes to a screeching abrupt halt because of the collision between false, alcohol induced, wildly unrealistic bravado, and the scrupulous, sincere and straightforward honest assessment of the human condition which stops it, inevitably creating a weird nullifying imbalance in the partay-state-of-mind. If you know what I mean.